Child-like Eyes

“A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuning to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves into the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention” – Aldous Huxley

Its something that has been on my mind for some time now, a side effect of the nice guy posts. It is the question of what place does a guy have in this world.

We see girl power and feminism all over the place, but what about guys? Where do we find a common bond with which to rally behind and push forward our sex? Some might say sports is the rally point, or NASCAR, but I beg to ask what about those of us that find neither of them entertaining? I wonder if there is a place or a banner for men to flock to and declare ourselves men.

Now what is the cause of this? I think that feminism has a lot to do with it. Being raised within the second wave of feminism I was taught that all girls should be treated well and that us men are to be whatever they allow us to be. It didn’t take long for that to take hold, and for a guy like myself, I took it to heart. I have always held a woman on a pedestal and have attempted to respect her as a goddess. This has failed in every relationship, romantic or otherwise, that I have had.

If we look to media, namely television, we see an alarming trend when it comes to the battle of the sexes. There is not a single sitcom or other show that does not show men to be at a disadvantage or dumber than a woman, most of all when it comes to a married couple. We always see a woman that is able to take care of herself, any kids that are around, and the hubby or other male interest all the while the man is a complete idiot full of silly ideas and stupid plot points. We find men to bumble around while women mop it up and then scold them for it. Now what does this tell the boys that watch these shows? That all that is expected of you is to be an idiot that brings home a paycheck? Or how about that you are inferior to a woman in anyway because of any number of reasons? This sickens me to no end.

Now I do realize that there was a need for women to push hard and to gain a foothold on common ground with men. With some exception, I think they have done so and have pushed on past their goals. Power corrupts after all. I do question some things, such as the statistics that a woman makes X less than a man. I have yet to see a study that takes into account of women that leave the workplace to raise children and how that affects their job skills and pay. It also seems to be in the late 20’s early 30’s that you see this drop, about the same time that a lot of people are having kids. If you dear reader come across a study that does take this into account, but all means point me to it.

So where does this leave us men? We are told to do this and that, to be a nice guy and to respect and to some extent worship the goddess that is woman. We are expected to be treated as inferior, that we are expected by women to be idiots and that we are just a paycheck to some. We have no say in our daily lives outside the office. And above all we should be thankful that a woman has decided to take us in and take care of us. I think that this might be part of the attraction to bad boys. They don’t follow this concept of women being superior and treat them like trash. While growing up as a princess they are now tossed around like a rag doll. It really is no different than the CEO that goes to a dungeon to get beat and belittled because of his position of power. It really is just another example of a group of people gaining power over a situation and exploiting it to their advantage. What would be better than to put down your oppressors? To show them what it was like… the problem here is that those you are putting down were never in any position to oppress. They were children that you attempted to mold into what you thought was best, that women were better and that men should be lucky with what they got. It really makes me sick.

So this is what I suggest. I suggest that all men look to themselves and find their inner power. Their inner god, to steal the concept from women. To find that which makes us tick and to let it grow, women be damned. Find that what gives us definition and allow it to grow. Ignore the news and the television. Ignore all of the messages of how we are lesser beings. Ignore the women that demean you and treat you like dirt. Little by little we just might be able to swing back to a happy medium. One can hope anyway, most of all for the next generation of men. We will need it.

**Edit**

After a conversation with a friend, there was something that I left out from the post. And that is there needs to be a want and desire to find a middle ground rather than to swing it back in mens favor. Rather than to attempt to take revenge we need to find something in between. This is not a call to find your inner asshole and to act like a frat boy again. This isn’t a call to be macho men again. There is a refinement in all men that has been stifled for far to long and we need to find it again. There are places in this world that we can find ourselves if we only look. That is the point I am getting at. I know I have started to find this, but I’ve only started. It has taken a lot of refection and direction from the people around me to find a path to start walking down. I only hope that more men decide to start down this path least the situation grows worse.

With the recent influx of spare time I find myself with, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Some of it good, some bad and the rest… well the rest I’m not sure what to do with. I find myself coming to the keyboard wanting to write, wanting to say something and often I have more going on than I can put down in a single post or even center in on a couple of topics. So rather than attempt to hold it back in for a concentrated post on one or two topics, I’ll let things fly and see what happens.

Relationships have been on my mind ever since the break up, with mixed results. While overall I am glad to be out of that relationship and I have moved on past the bitterness and envy, it still bothers me. It bothers me just how much I allowed myself to change to fit into the mold of what she wanted. I gave up quite a few things I found to be true, I gave up a couple of concepts and I even gave up on a bit of my beliefs. My political outlook, my family outlook and even to a small extent my religious views were all muddled and changed. I can’t blame her for this, as it is clearly my fault for doing so. It bothers me none the less. I can also see a clear path in the past where this has happened. I became what the girl I was with wanted, even if my beliefs were quite to the contrary. I let things slide that when single I would have debated or argued. I let things slip in and confuse me. I just let my guard down and didn’t even have to invite these things in, they came in anyway. Thinking back on this it really makes me sick to my stomach. How could I have given up so many things I believe in just because a woman showed interest in me?

After a long thought and some input from a couple of people I have a new path and direction to take. At first I thought I had to give up my belief in being a nice guy and turn into a bit of an asshole. It seems that I just need to grow a backbone. I thought I had, but after reflection its obvious that I don’t when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature. So how do I go about growing one? Can I take the one I use for everything else and just extend it into this section of my life? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Second on my mind is direction and purpose. I had been floating listless for awhile now, waiting for what may come and otherwise not engaging myself in life. I would coast through whatever came my way. It began to affect not only my life outside of work, but inside it as well. I didn’t feel that I could do much to affect my life other than just sit and watch. I am looking for change, and I have found a little to help establish a goal for my job once again. I have a need to do more than just pass on my rent and bills, I added a car payment to the list. It will make things tight at home, but I think that this will also cause me to focus on what I do and how I spend. I am even actively looking for a new job, one that can give me direction besides a better paycheck. Besides continuing my education via my undergrad I’m also looking at Apple certification courses. I’m looking at my health and well being closer than I have in quite some time (another concession I gave up for an ex).

In addition to forward progress I am also looking to the past, to aspects of my being and my beliefs that I have given up for whatever reason (girlfriend at the time or otherwise). This follows in the forward progression, namely the certification courses and perhaps a new job. But aspects of my past I feel I need to bring back into light, back from the shadow I placed them in. I started to read some of the things I used to, I have started to think outside the box again. I am looking at what I read with a new light, and while I will spare you with titles, they are bringing to me quite a lot of information. I am learning how to think like I used to, cupeled with the knowledge that I have gained since then. It is my belief that this will lead to what I had hoped I would become all those many years ago, with only minor changes (such as becoming an Apple admin vs the Microsoft one that I had planned on being). I have also considered picking up old hobbies just to see if they fit in with this new me I am piecing together. I am even looking forward to what comes, something that is almost beyond memory.

Lastly for this post, I want to digress on on my goals for the future. I think that having a reference point with which to look back upon will be useful. My goals as current are to complete my undergrad, to continue to further my skill set and knowledge of the Apple OS X systems both client and server side, perhaps to the point of becoming a Apple admin. If not then I will have that skill set for home and integrate it with my curiosity of security and social engineering. I look to enjoying a car that I have chose rather than one I was forced into (and one that already has the girls looking twice). I will continue to develop my spiritual side. I will not sit idle while life around me does as it will. I will continue to experiment with life to find what fits for me. For the time being I will not bother with the quest for a romantic relationship and if one does come I will not just jump at the chance but weigh it with what I feel to be true. I will hold to my guns rather than just jumping the fence.

In short, I will pursue this new outlook on life, integrate the old, and experience all that I can. I guess that was a bit more concise than I thought it would be.

I wrote a piece a little while ago about the how and why I became a fanboy of Apple. I have been accused of being a Apply cultist recently, and after my experiences with them over the past couple of weeks I am quite proud to be one.

It started a few weeks ago, my iMac started having issues. Random lockups and finally it would kernel panic. Took it in for repairs, replacing the logic board and the video card. Get it home and about a week later it starts to lockup again. Another round of tech support and another replaced video card and I was home again… less than a week later it happened again. I was getting a little frustrated. After talking to a senior tech rep for Apple I was told that I could take it in for one more repair, and if anything (and he went into detail about what everything entails) I was to call him directly and a replacement would be out the door the next day. We made an appointment for the following day for repairs.

So upon this third trip to the Apple store for repairs the genius says “Lets see if we can do something special for you”. I was a little confused to say the least, but he was off to speak with someone before I could ask. He returns and tells me that I can either have a iMac shipped to me (same model as mine) or I could get a new 27″ one. Hard choice, I know. So after a bit of back and forth about specs and what I required and why I had the one I had had( a 24″ 3.06ghz processor with the 512mb video card) I ended up with a quad core i7 27″ iMac. Top of the line… and all for the cost of the extended warranty. So for $169 bucks, which covers this mac for 3 years, I now own a new, top of the line machine… which replaced one that was a year and a half old.

Now that my friends, that is how you treat your customers. There is a reason that Apple is #1 in service and support. And god knows that I will be a life long mac user because of this experience. Call me a fanboy or a cultist, I don’t care. With an experience like that one I bet you would be too.

I find myself single once again, but in the oddest of ways. I have been dumped and dumped a few people in my time. I’ve been cheated on, had a major fault line in the relationship develop and even had one that I refused to continue because of their mental state. With each of these relationships there was always a clear cut reason. They fell out of love or I did the same. I couldn’t handle what they wanted of me or the reverse. Even having to break it off for my personal health. Last night something new happened, and I’m still not quite sure how to handle it.

It was late in the night that I talked to my previous girlfriend (calling her an ex just doesn’t feel right) that we decided that things were just wrong place/wrong time. With me being in school and her life up in the air at the moment… things just were not syncing between us. It was sad, but it also made sense. If nothing else, the relationship was always a logical one.

So I find myself at an interesting place. I love this person, and I plan on staying in her life, she has said the same. But the romance is on hold or perhaps just a brief thing that could have been more at a better time and place. Normally there is hate and sorrow and feelings of regret or rejection. But I don’t feel this way. I’m not angry, nor am I really sad. I miss having a reason to get off of work for, and I’ll miss knowing that someone loves me for who I am (in the romantic sense). But it still feels odd to me, something that I can’t place. I’m not quite sure how to progress, and I’m not convinced that I need to move on so much as to adjust to what is happening. The I Ching has alluded that I am in a place that I need to build up strength before taking on a great task, that forward progress is on hold until a later date.

So I now wait until the dust settles and i find my path through the road block. I have a couple of ideas what that roadblock is, something in my gut tells me I’m right. How its going to happen and where I will find myself in a couple of months will be an interesting ride to say the least, most of all if my hunch is right. But until then I will sit and rest, as I am long over due for a break. I can wait for progress, and I will move when the time is right.

Another mind full of randomness and I shall attempt to get something out on one the wired. I’m back in a wonderful relationship, the short break making sense and is now in the past. But since then there has been a couple of things that have popped up in mind that leave me wondering, though I don’t know what the questions are yet. I feel like I am floating around in an empty space lately, with memories and wishes floating around me, reminding me of their presence.

My age has been creeping up on me again, reminding me of the missed chances and the hopes and dreams that have passed by the timeline I had in mind. Recent news of a 1st cousin getting married (12 years younger than I) brings it to the forefront of my mind yet again. I am staring at a relationship that would bring these things to me yet I am hesitant. I’m unsure of my footing or my abilities. In short I just don’t know.

So I come back to the nature of my present condition, that of floating memories and dreams bouncing back and forth in my mind. Its been x years since this happened, y years since I last spoke to this person. Its been z hours since I woke up and found myself in the void yet again. I seem to be able to fake it pretty well, but still wonder what life has in store for me next. I know change is coming, I can feel it on my heels. What this is I have no idea, yet again. I can’t even hazard a guess. It worries me, more than normal. It makes me wonder what is in store for this old soul, what will life throw at me this time.

I recently went under the needle and found some peace, touching up and repairing the damage to a tattoo that an ex caused. On the table I knew where I was and was able to sort through all that was on my mind. I found a peaceful place that I have strayed from in the passing weeks. I still feel that I am on my path and that my course is true… maybe its just another rocky patch.

When these times happen I begin to look at the music I am listening to. Today its been a hodgepodge of various goth and oldschool musics. Stuff I listen to when I am down or trying to get up. The music speaks to me more than those around me, if I stop and listen. Is that odd?

In a recent series of events I have found myself single once again. Though it was as short lived romance, it was a romance none the less. While I will spare those few that read this blog the details, I can at least say I understand her motives and respect them. With that being said, its not been a pretty couple of weeks.

Yesterday I was in heavy debate with myself about the nature and character of romance, and if I should bother seeking it any longer. If the pursuit of it all is worthwhile or if I should simply just let it go and move on with my life. To give up on the possibility of romance is no simple thing, and one I do not take lightly. But is it worth the trouble and the heartache/heartbreak that I seem to continually suffer? Is it more worthwhile to simply allow it to not affect my current self and to pursue something else with the time and energy that I would have spent on it? is it a matter of resources? Or am I simply not ready for another torrent of emotions to take me over? One that I am unsure I can handle yet again, judging from the previous two. Lastly, is it something that I can do and remain human? I still have no answer to this question, nor the thousand others that have occurred since this event. But it has given me pause to think, and what I think is what worries me.

It is said that every man has one romance that he was unready for, and it fell apart because he was unwilling/unable to take the next step. I often thought that my first romance was this one, as I had hoped to do all with this woman but because of age and other factors I was not able to be what she wanted to be (or I for that matter). I simply was not ready. So this begs to question, can this happen twice? Or perhaps is it not only men that have this issue?

So I have pondered down both of these paths and have found a truth to each. I do feel that it is not restricted to men only, and I do think it can happen more than once. I am questioning what I thought I knew about the relationship and worse yet, my ability to be what she wanted me to be. I can not say if these are idle doubts or if they are a result of recent issues that I have been dealing with. But it could be valid, and with that in mind, I will continue to look into the matter. There are just to many unanswered questions to come to any sort of conclusion.

With the upcoming Singles Awareness Day just looming over me I think (hope) that this is tainting my feelings and emotions, putting romance and the thought of it in a negative light as I am without a partner to celebrate what I have always felt was a hollow and pointless holiday (though yet it bothers me to not be able to participate… I will have to look into that further). That the feeling of emptiness and worthlessness is only in response to the day, as it always seems to have from the previous years. It could also be a simple matter of mental health, as I do have issues in that department. But the questions remain and remain unanswered.

Tonight I hope to find some peace in the matter, with the conversation of a dear and close friend. One of my oldest and most trustworthy sounding boards. It is here that I hope to find direction, if not closure.

This case is unique in that it isn’t a struggle between mind and heart, but a 4 way battle with them teaming up together. Half my mind and half my heart weigh in on one side, while the other do the same. Its not emotion over/under logic…they have both on both sides. It truly is a void between them, and one that I am afraid to look into. I know the voids well, and have often traveled with them… but this one I know will look right though me. I don’t think I am ready for it.

So with this in mind I will await my friend this evening and hope to find direction, if not completion and peace, in his advice or thoughts. Till then the whirlwind of both mind and heart will rage within, and I caught in the middle will simply just have to wait.

I was recently asked to write a paper regarding who I was. There was a collection of other details that were required… but that question was the hardest to answer. Do I define myself by my experiences? Or perhaps by my values? Or my choices? or maybe my beliefs? Or is it something in between all of those?

So I ask myself who am I? and I can’t find an answer. I struggled and finally wrote down a half truth that even I questioned in the paper.

But the question remains… who am I? Will I ever know? really know? I just can’t figure out how to answer this question. At least not today.

Recently I thought I had an idea as to what i was, I was a man in love, a man looking to become a father and a man that was attending classes (my response to the paper) but even after typing that out it felt incomplete… but I was also limited to 2-3 pages and answering other questions along with it. I could have gone into a much deeper look as to what I was and perhaps through questioning myself throughout the paper I might have found it, that kernel of what is really me… But even then I’m not sure.

With the recent breakup still fresh on my mind even that attempt at a definition of who am I am is shattered. I am still reeling, and I know it, and likely will for some time. But is it right to define yourself with the aid of another person? Becoming a part of something larger than yourself? Would that impact a definition as to who you are? Is it a just something that attaches to a root explanation or is it a core part? I guess I may never know, as my lack of faith in my romantic life is overwhelming.

So I guess I have another leg in what I thought was my path found yet again. Maybe its just a few rocks in the way or maybe I’m knocked off of it again. At this point I don’t care… but I know I will again someday.

There is an old adage that nice guys finish last. Its held that all women want (and perhaps men as well) is the bad boy, the guy that they don’t want to take home to meet the ‘rents. This is reflected by the bars and clubs, where the nice guy is passed up for the bad boy lay. All the while girls out there have one or two (or perhaps more) “nice guy” friends, all the while complaining about the quality of men they date. I posted a few posts ago about the relationship resume and I know it holds true. I myself have often fallen into that category of “well I like you as a friend” while complaining about how hard it is to find a “nice guy”. It is a slap in the face each and every time when you know, deep down, that you would treat her as she wants, as a good and kind human being.

But yet we always sit there, even those of us that are not daunted by fear and ask for a date, are always met with the same response. It never fails. So as a “nice guy” there just seems to be no help of salvation.

In my personal experience there is a type of woman that does gravitate towards us nice guys… and they are bat-shit crazy. We seem to draw them in like lambs to the slaughter… and in some cases I believe that this is the fate that they wish to bestow upon us. From personal experience I believe that the reason is two fold. Firstly they have tried to date bad boys and have been rejected due to the crazy. Second “nice guys” will put up with a lot more and for a longer period of time than the bad boy will. In short we care and they take advantage of it. Where in our friendships with women we are the go to guy when their hearts are broken, the crazy attach to us in a constant state of need. And being a “nice guy” we have a hard time turning them down. Be it out of loneliness or despair we allow them in and have a hell of a time getting them out.

So where does that leave the “nice guy”? While there are the lucky ones that come across a woman when they are fed up with the bad boy or have realized that a nice guy is what they want and really try to find out (again the friends of such women are not included in the search save for being a spectator) or that they want to settle down, this is far from the rule. More often they settle for less of a bad boy, or one that doesn’t appear to be one on the outside, leaving the true blue “nice guys” out there at a loss.

So with that being said I am still proud to be considered a “nice guy”. It is hard and it sucks to no end, but sticking to your guns rather than lowering yourself to their level is something I am quite proud of. While I expect to live a lonely life, as I am done with the insane women out there, I can at least say that I have tried to find a decent and kind woman out there. While that does little to quell the lonely nights and the constant 3rd/5th wheel syndrome, it does give us a smile (though one on the inside) to know that there are some of us that get lucky. While I hope I am one of the lucky ones, time will only tell.

It struck me, as many things do these days, late in the night this previous evening. The thought of being a parent. Perhaps it is the budding friendship with a mother of two, or perhaps its another symptom of my celebrating my 30th birthday this year. But the topic of children has prompted me into deep thought once more.

The idea of me spawning offspring has been a delicate issue over the years, one that has ended more than one relationship. The concept of little me’s running round has scared more than just a few, my family included. It seems I am considered enough of a (un)holy terror, least my children follow in their fathers footsteps. Of course the second part of this equation has also eluded me, a suitable person with which to partake in the act of creation. This fact alone would be enough to keep me from breeding. But with the addition of new facets to my crazy detector (a lot like gaydar but for crazies) this might happen, sooner rather than never.

But this leaves me at the question that has bothered me all the night and the morning. Would I make a good father? Do I have what it takes not to repeat the mistakes of my parents? Mental health issues (and the likelihood that my offspring would suffer them as well) aside, would I able to do right by my kids? These questions have plagued me for years, from the first girlfriend that said she wanted to have my children…

I think it boils down to a simple fear. I fear the responsibility of taking a life and molding it to face the world while attempting to keep them a child for as long as possible. I fear what it takes on a personal level to show them what can happen and what cannot, the good and the bad, and ultimately show them that there is something worth living for. Will I be able to face the challenge of not corrupting them at a young age with the truths of the world? Can I help them to remain young and developing as long as possible before the world changes them for better or worse? Can I show them how to live a good and proper life without falling into the pitfalls of religion basis or political construct. Can I show them a world without the borders and without the basis at all? There are just so many questions that I feel I need to have answers to before I have the right to have children… though I am often told there are no answers and you just make things up as you go.

I’m not sure if I believe that, or if its the fear that is answering that question for me. For now I will ponder on it more, and likely more if I ever break the line of single-hood I have continued.